I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
