I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
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The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.