I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you