I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.