I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
mentally somewhere in italy
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?