I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
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*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA