Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?

Does anybody know if this service is still available?

Thanks in advance.

“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.