I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭