I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
never forget
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever