I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
🍞🦆
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
