I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
A friend helps you before you need it
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Oh my god
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
