I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this