I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
The first one, obviously
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.