i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.