i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
peak technology
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.