Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

I remember when things only cost an arm.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

(by @ZachWeiner )

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless