I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
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Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”