I saw this ending much differently.
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With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
I’ve disappointed better people.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here