I saw this ending much differently.
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Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it