My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Body by Oreos
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava