Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
How does one answer this?
I hate my earbuds.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!