Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

This was the best day of my life

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

Do not steal food from the science building!

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.