Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Chicken bread

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Love it! 👍😂

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

When I pack too much for a short trip.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

I unironically love this joke.

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

bury ourselves

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening