I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Science is fun!
#nottrue
Ghost costume 😂
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
❤️❤️❤️
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.