Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

I’ve had poops that lasted longer than the tiktok ban

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

SPLOOT

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

crazy

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers

ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.