I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
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That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.