Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

“That’s so cool,” she lied.

Pigeon open mic night.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.