Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.