I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
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Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
some Old Testament wisdom
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.