Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Why is no one talking about this?!

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.