Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]