I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
You Might Also Like
how long have you had this for?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
What number SPF blocks people?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.