I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.