“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
🔦🌙👣
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.