“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Somebody call the cops.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the