” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
You Might Also Like
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Worst bar ever.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”