” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
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All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas