Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

The smoothest fall of all time

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?