” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
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I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
#Caturday
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché