Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Born to be mild.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.