Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???