I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon