I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
The median voter
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.