I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
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INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep