SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
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I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit