Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

Them: Good morning
Me: Where?

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?

An acquaintance

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal