Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your system is full of drugs

patient: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

patient: you can’t see him

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*

CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?

GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!

Meow

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends