I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
me 2 months after i graduated
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes