@Kendragarden

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

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@stanleybehrman

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

@Ideal_Victoria

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

@__candypants

I wish all my younger siblings would appreciate how low I set the bar for them.

@LittleMissAngr1

After a couple of glasses of wine, I realise that I am so charming I should be charming even louder

@o__0Dev

My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve

@SladeWentworth

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

@WilliamAder

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

@potsiegirlsarah

Doctor: How often do you exercise?

Me: 4 times.

Doctor: A week? A month? A year?

Me: I have given my answer.

@BritXMeh

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and you’re a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details.

If you’re reading this Adewale, call me?