I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
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this independent good boy don’t need no human
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭