Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

I feel it

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*