I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
oh my gosh!!
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Basically, any European coat of arms:
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice