Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

I like long walks away from everyone

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families

It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?