I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Happy Febuary everyone!
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
This fish is cracking me up
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.