I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
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Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy