I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
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RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
🐟✨ #re4
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?