Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

dril cadence

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*