I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
How to properly lift a body
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.