I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My birthstone is a marshmallow
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.