I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
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*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor