I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
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Better luck next time champ
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed