I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
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Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
awkward
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
