I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?