Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.