I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
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the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.