i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
favorite tropes as memes
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
All generalizations are stupid.