I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
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If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Straight people are cancelled
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.