Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes we need to be reminded

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Lunatics are gonna loon.

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

incredible

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

Me: Coke please

Waiter: Is heroin okay?

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.