I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
*puts cutlery down*
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Perfection.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA