I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.